高中英语作文dear editon :with the college entrance examation appro

Dear Editor:
With the college entrance examation approaching ,more and more families encourage their children to study hard by / through promising them a great sum of money,a trip and so on,but I don't think that interests them at all ..As time goes by ,the lure of that promise to the children will fade away / vanish.
As you know ,if the students do not have a good attitude towards study,how can they get good marks?Maybe what the students really want is not the key to a university.and the parents' promise may well result in their children's looking forward to gaining the reward
.so they could lose interest in studying.
Last but not least,what is really needed is to give more care than to give them a money-centered reward.
We students,or rather children ,must let them konw :be ourselves today,and we will succeed tomorrow !
Dear Editor,though I have myself said the above,it also truly reflects other students' opnions about their parents' promises.What do you think about our parents' promoses and our reactions to them?
我给你的作文评分是 11-12分.你的结尾几乎是零,根本没有.我为你添加了.

【Dear editor 】:
With the college entrance examation approaching ,【more and more】 families use【 a way——almost the same way】 that 【cncourage——encourages】 their students to study hard 【with——by...

第一句话可以改写成独立主格结构，the college entrance examination approving,a great number people tend to encourage their children.....，你的第一句话是汉语式英语，将use 可替换成tend to ,将more and more 替换成a great number可显得不俗，第二句有些不太顺口，若...