雅思作文 求批改~本人语法基础很差,希望高手指点……特别是语法方面的……

雅思作文 求批改~本人语法基础很差,希望高手指点……特别是语法方面的……
There has been much discussion revolving around the issue of whether a person need to become truly successful cannot be learned at university or in a similar educational institution.In this essay,I will compare and contrast two typical opinions regarding this issue.
There are some sound reasons for people to believe that a person can get success without going to college.As far as I am concerned,this view may be based on the consideration that a few school dropout (or never accepted the college education) persons get a staggering success,for instance Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.They created their company and ensured the company successive victories even changed our world.More over,it is widely acceptable that the world transformed so quickly that we can hardly following the regular pattern of the economic market,the knowledge we study in university always be hysteretic,when we graduate from school the knowledge we learned many be eliminated,especially,in high-tech industries as computers or telecommunications.Another argument that can be used to support their belief is most of the graduates are engage in work area which is not the major they studied in school.The competition in job hunting is fierce in any of the cities of China,so it has been very difficult to find a decent job.
By contrast,some other may claim that study in university or a similar educational institution is necessary for people to get truly successful.The main reason for their view is obviously—learn in college is an experience which can give students some unforgettable memorise of study,therefore they must learn by themselves,work with others and adapt to the situation,schooling teach them skills before they get into the society.But I have to say this does not sound very convincing since all successful men have an education.Some got it without going to school and some got it after going to school.
Having considered the respective merits of both views,I think people can get success without university education.Also I suggest young people should go to school learn some basic scientific knowledge,In order to live a better life in society.